EXCERPT: Everybody’s normal till you get to know them

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Everybody’s normal till you get to know them
by John Ortberg

This article is excerpted from the book,
Everybody’s Normal Till You Get to Know Them.

In certain stores you’ll find a section of merchandise available at greatly reduced prices. The tip-off is a particular tag you’ll see on all the items in that area. Each tag carries the same words: as-is.

This is a euphemistic way of saying: “These are damaged goods.” Sometimes they’re called slightly irregular. The store is issuing you fair warning: This is the department of Something’s-Gone-Wrong. You’re going to find a flaw here: a stain that won’t come out; a zipper that won’t zip; button that won’t button—there will be a problem. These items are not normal.

We’re not going to tell you where the flaw is. You’ll have to look for it. But we know it’s there. So when you find it—and you will find it—don’t come whining and sniveling to us. Because there is a fundamental rule when dealing with merchandise in this corner of the store: No returns. No refunds. No exchanges.

If you were looking for perfection, you walked down the wrong aisle. You have received fair warning. If you want this item, there is only one way to obtain it. You must take it as is.

When you deal with human beings, you’ve come to the “as-is” corner of the universe. Think for a moment about someone in your life. Maybe the person you know best, love most. That person is slightly irregular. That person comes with a little tag: There’s a flaw here. A streak of deception, a cruel tongue, a passive spirit, an out-of-control temper.

I’m not going to tell you where it is, but it’s there. So when you find it—and you will find it—don’t be surprised. If you want to enter a relationship with this model, there is only one way. “As is.”

We are tempted to live under the illusion that somewhere out there are people who are normal. In the movie, As Good As it Gets, Helen Hunt is wracked by ambivalence toward Jack Nicholson. He is kind and generous to her and her sick son, but he is also agoraphobic, obsessive-compulsive, and terminally offensive: if rudeness were measured in square miles, he’d be Texas.

In desperation, Helen finally cries to her mother, “I just want a normal boyfriend.” “Oh,” her mother responds in empathy. “Everybody wants one of those. There is no such thing dear.”

When we enter relationships with the illusion that people are normal, we resist the truth that they are not. We enter an endless attempt to fix them, control them, or pretend that they are what they are not. One of the great marks of maturity is to accept the fact that everyone comes “as-is.”

Dietrich Bonhoeffer said people enter relationships with their own particular ideals and dreams of what community should look like. He wrote surprising words:

“But God’s grace quickly frustrated all such dreams. A great disillusionment with others, with Christians in general, and, if we are fortunate, with ourselves, is bound to overwhelm us as surely as God desires to lead us to an understanding of genuine Christian community … . The sooner this moment of disillusionment comes over the individual and the community, the better for both … . Those who love their dream of a Christian community more than the Christian community itself become destroyers of that Christian community even though their personal intentions may be ever so honest, earnest and sacrificial."

Of course the most painful part of this is realizing that I am in the “as-is” department as well. Throughout history human beings have resisted owning up to that little tag. We try to separate the world into normal, healthy people (like us) and difficult people.

Sometime ago the title of a magazine article caught my eye: “Totally Normal Women Who Stalk Their Ex-Boyfriends.”

The phrase that struck me was the “totally normal women.” What would one of these look like (or a totally normal man, for that matter)? And if the obsessive stalking of a past lover is not just normal but totally normal, how far would you have to go to be a little strange?

We all want to look normal, to think of ourselves as normal, but the writers of Scripture insist that no one is “totally normal” – at least not as God defines normal. “All we like sheep have gone astray,” they tell us. “All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.”

Every one of us—all we like sheep—have habits we can’t control, past deeds we can’t undo, flaws we can’t correct. In the way that glass is predisposed to shatter and nitroglycerin is predisposed to explode, we are predisposed to do wrong when conditions are right.

That predisposition is what theologians call “depravity.” We lie and sacrifice integrity for the sake of a few dollars (“I don’t understand, Officer—my speedometer must be broken.”) We gossip for the sake of a few moments’ feeling of superiority. We seek to intimidate employees or children to gain control, or simply to enjoy the feeling of power.

Everybody’s weird. Because we know in our hearts that this is not the way we’re supposed to be, we try to hide our weirdness. Every one of us pretends to be healthier and kinder than we really are; we all engage in what might be called “depravity management.”

Every once in a while somebody’s “as-is” tag becomes high profile. A Pulitzer Prize-winning historian is guilty of plagiarism; a politician’s career explodes in sexual scandal; a powerful CEO resigns in disgrace over illegal document shredding.

What’s surprising is not that such things happen; it’s that the general public response is: “Can you believe it? And they seemed so normal.” As if you and I, of course, would be incapable of such behavior.

How Do You Get Close Without Getting Hurt?
Here’s the rub: How do you pursue this beautiful dream of community with actual, real-life people? Weird, not-normal, as-is, dysfunctional people? Your friends, your colleagues, your spouse, your children, your parents, your small group, your church, your coworkers? Can it really happen?

The North American Common Porcupine is a member of the rodent family that has around 30,000 quills attached to his body. Each quill can be driven into an enemy, and the enemy’s body heat will cause the microscopic barb to expand and become more firmly embedded. The wounds can fester; the more dangerous ones, affecting vital organs, can be fatal.

As a general rule, porcupines have two methods for handling relationships: withdrawal and attack. They either head for a tree or stick out their quills. But porcupines don’t always want to be alone. Love turns out to be a risky business when you are a porcupine.

This is the Porcupine’s Dilemma: How do you get close without getting hurt?

This is our dilemma too. Every one of us carries our own little arsenal of quills. Our barbs have names like rejection, condemnation, resentment, arrogance, selfishness, envy, contempt. Some people hide them better than others, but get close enough and you will find out they’re there. They burrow under the skin of our enemies; they can wound and fester and even kill. We, too, learn to survive through a combination of withdrawal and attack. We, too, find ourselves hurting (and being hurt by) those we long to be closest to.

Yet we, too, want to get close. We meet neighbors, go on dates, join churches, form friendships, get married, and have children. We try to figure out how to get close without getting hurt. We wonder if there isn’t a softer, less-barbed creature out there—a mink or an otter, perhaps.

And of course, we can usually think of a number of particularly prickly porcupines in our lives. But the problem is not just them. I’m somebody’s porcupine. So are you.

-Pastors.com®-

This article is excerpted from Everybody’s Normal Till You Get to Know Them by John Ortberg (Zondervan, 2003). Used by permission. Everybody’s Normal Till You Get to Know Them is about how imperfect people like you and me can pursue community with other imperfect people. This is a book about how porcupines learn to dance. So you will have to start with the actual porcupines right there in your life.